The Tourtose and the Hare Funny
How is Sandusky like a tortoise?
He gets there before the hair...
How is a pedophile similar to a tortoise?
They both want to get there before the hare.
Guy goes to a fancy dress party wearing dark-green Lycra and carrying a naked woman on his back...
...
"What are you two supposed to be?" asks someone.
"Oh," he replies. "I'm a tortoise, and this is Michelle."
The snail and the tortoise
What did the snail say while riding on the back of the tortoise?
Wheeeee!!!!
--hey, at least it's a fun joke for kids!
Why don't tortoises wear scarves?
They have turtlenecks
What did Patrick Stewart say when he was given a tortoise for his birthday?
Please, take it back. I don't like getting attached to animals. Especially when they only live 100 years.
What does a balding man and a tortoise have in common?
Hare loss.
Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing?
Rigor tortoise.
What do you call the cross between a tortoise and a porcupine?
Slowpoke
Tortoise won the race but the Rabbit got to sleep
I think we all know who the real winner is.Fuck moral science.
What do you call the composer's tortoise?
Bach's turtle
You can explore tortoise footrace reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean tortoise cooter dad jokes. There are also tortoise puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A naked man is walking down the street with a woman on his back...
A guy on the other side of the street yells at him "Hey! What are you doing!?"
The naked man replies, "Don't get all upset. I'm headed to a costume party!"
"As what?" asks the guy.
"As a tortoise! Can't you tell?"
"Well, what's the woman doing on your back?"
"Oh that's just Michelle."
A man is walking around a costume party dressed in green with a woman on his shoulder
When asked what he was he said he was a tortoise. Then when asked about the woman he replied "she's Michelle".
When we were kids, we had a turtle as a nanny
She tortoise everything we know
What do you call a bendy tortoise?
A contortoise.
At the watering hole, an elephant suddenly picked up a tortoise and flung it as far away as he could.
A lion asked, "Why'd you do that?" The elephant said, "That's the same one that bit me on the trunk 17 years ago last week." The lion said, "Wow. Amazing memory." The elephant said, "Sure. Turtle recall."
What does a priest and a tortoise have in common?
They both like to get there before the hare.
I had a teacher called Mr Turtle.
He tortoise.
Why did the frustrated tortoise go to jail?
He got a hare cut.
How did the tortoise beat the hare?
The tortoise was shipped express.
How did the tortoise win the race?
He recruited dudes with some cross-hares.
In the classic story of the tortoise and the hare, what was the tortoise's name?
Winslow.
Our teacher was a turtle
I'm grateful for what he tortoise.
We always called our teacher Turtle
Because he Tortoise (Taught us).
Told by my 7 year old boy, so be gentle.
My favourite teacher was a turtle.
I remember everything he tortoise.
What do Kevin Spacey and a Tortoise have in common?
They're both trying to get somewhere before the hare does
Saw a guy walking with a naked woman on his back. "You OK?" I asked.
"Sure. I'm headed to a fancy dress as a tortoise."
"And her?"
"Oh, that's Michelle."
What does the tortoise say to the old man?
I don't know yet, the joke is always in the comments.
A tortoise was mugged by two snails.
When asked what happened, he said "I don't know. It all happened so fast!"
What do you call a tortoise without a shell?
Tortwas
What do you call a tortoise that got ran over by a semi truck?
A tortilla.
What do you call a tortoise that drives a car?
A motortoise
What do you call a turtle that surfs the dark web?
A TORtoise
The Tortoise challenged the Hare
The Tortoise said race you home!
The Hare began sprinting. The Tortoise retracted into his shell.
Turtles have always been the best teachers
They tortoise everything
A tortoise was really depressed.
He went into his shell.
My favorite teacher at school was Mr Turtle.
Because of the way he tortoise.
I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back
I said "where are you going?"
He replied "Fancy dress party"
"What as?" I asked
"Tortoise" the man shouted back
"Who's she?" I questioned
To which he responded "That's Michelle"
I heard someone's writing a book about Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump colluding with the Russians.
It's called "The Tortoise and the Hair"
A guy goes to a fancy dress party and one of the guests says to him what have you come as, and why is your wife on your back?
He replies I'm a tortoise and that's Michelle
An elephant is drinking from a stream
An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why did you do that?"
"Forty years ago that very tortoise nipped my tail just for fun," the elephant said.
"Wow, forty years ago! How did you remember that?" Asked the Zebra
"Well I have turtle recall," replied the elephant.
An electrical fault at the zoo saw the entire tortoise population electrocuted.
It was a turtle disaster.
Mugging
A tortoise went out for a few beers and despite being severely worse for wear decided to walk home through the rough part of town. Half way home he was set upon by four snails who beat him senseless and stole what little money he still had and as a final insult they sprayed obscenities on his shell . Utterly distraught he was taken to the local police station where the inspector asked if he could remember anything about the assailants .
No - it all happened so quickly
Guy goes to a fancy dress party in a green jumpsuit carry a woman by piggy back.....
Doorman: You can't come in mate, you're not in fancy dress
Guy: Yes I am, I'm a tortoise
Doorman: well I can see you're wearing green, but what's with the woman on your back?
Guy: That's Michelle....
I had a teacher in high school, Ms Turtle.
She tortoise well.
A race was arranged between a tortoise and a cheetah. The tortoise obviously won. You know why?
'Cause cheetahs never win.
A tortoise was crossing the road, when two snails mugged him.
The police arrived and asked what the muggers looked like.
Shaken, the tortoise said "I don't know. It all happened so fast!"
A tortoise is crossing the road when he is robbed by two snails.
When the police show up, they ask the tortoise if he can identify the culprits.
The tortoise, still shaking from the incident, cries 'It all happened so fast!'.
My pet tortoise got mugged by 3 snails.
When he was interviewed by the police, He said ' I don't know, it happened so fast'
A naked man was walking down the street with a woman on his back
A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?"
The naked man replied, "To a fancy dress party."
"What as?" asked the bemused gentleman.
"A tortoise", said the naked man.
"Well, who is the woman on your back?" said the intrigued gentleman.
"Oh, that's Michelle."
EDIT - I changed the first "gentleman" to "bloke." I hope it makes more sense that way.
Source: https://jokojokes.com/tortoise-jokes.html
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